Missing Sarah

Walking back into the house with the mail, I flip through it so I can throw away the junk mail. I see a catalog with 1st birthday written on the front. I almost fall down right there in the yard. It is very hot outside and I am sweating but I am still finding it hard to make one foot move in front of the other. I feel the warm tears filling my eyes to the point where I cannot see any more. I finally find the strength to open the front door and go inside.

I sit on the couch looking through this catalog that I know was sent to me because my Sarah’s estimated due date (EDD) was Sept 16 of last year and she should have been one in just over a month. I find a set of birthday items for a fairy princess which I always called Sarah and now the tears start to stream down my face. I know looking in that catalog would make me sad but I did it anyway. How could I bring that kind of pain on myself? Why do I do things that I know is going to hurt and bring tears to my eyes? I get so upset with myself when I do this but I cannot help myself, I have to look.

I slowly get up and go to Sarah’s room and sit in her rocking chair holding a teddy bear and cry. I pick up the book I made for Sarah just months after she was born straight to heaven. I read it out loud to Sarah and my new little one just as I did on the day I found out about my new little one. I cry and cry. I miss my daughter more than words can express. I love my daughter. I am blessed to have had her but our time was just too short. I still have such a big hole in my heart that nothing will ever be able to fill. My arms still ache with emptiness. My fairy princess changed my life forever and I am thankful she was part of my life but the pain of her leaving is still so new sometimes. I cannot believe it’s been over a year since we said goodbye. It feels like I was holding her just yesterday and having to say goodbye. That was the worst and one of the best days of my life.

Sarah, I love and miss you.

Morning Sickness

I am so thankful I am sick. With Sarah I never felt sick at all. I have heard from so many people that morning sickness means the pregnancy is going good. I am not sure if that is true but I am so thankful I am having morning sickness. Only a few will understand that comment but I will try to explain.

I feel prego only when I remind myself I am prego. I want to feel my little one and know my little one is with me and being sick reminds me I do have a little one growing in my tummy. I never really felt prego with Sarah because I had few prego symptoms and the ones I had were not until I was later in my pregnancy. So getting sick and feeling sick after I eat just let me feel connected with this pregnancy. This is the only connection to my little one I feel so I do would not want to trade it for anything. I am one of those crazy prego women whose glad I am having morning sickness. Now I just worry that I am getting enough nutrition for my little one. I know I am but I still worry.

Second U/S

Hubby has off this week, so I am enjoying as much time with him as I can. This morning we went to the docs to have our second u/s.

I was nervous and so worried that we would not see a heartbeat this time. I was also nervous because my normal doc was out of the office today because her father passed away and I was going to be seeing a new doc I had never met. The nurse let me know that he was the only doc in the office that day which is unusual since there are 8 or so docs in this one office. The tech did the u/s and pointed out the blob on the screen and said “This is your baby and see there is the heartbeat.” I cried again and hubby just laid a hand on my shoulder. The tech asked if we wanted to hear the heartbeat. I was shocked I did not think we could hear the heartbeat at only 8 weeks. I nodded since I was so shocked to talk. My little ones heartbeat was soft and fast at 182 beat per minute. She measured the little one and it measured perfect! 8 weeks 5 days!
The doc talked with us about testing since we never found out why Sarah passed away but hubby and I still said no to all testing. The new doc still seems to know everything about my case and was very supportive. Even with him being the only doc in the office he did not rush with us and let me ask any questions I wanted too.

I told him about my morning sickness whenever I eat. He told me its okay as long as I do not lose more than 5 lbs. I am now sick feeling every time I eat and I have lost 3 lbs. I am trying to eat but I get sick feeling if I eat more than about half of a normal meal.

Beach and Morning Sickness

I was at the beach with my dad last night. We go every year near our birthdays since we share the same birthday. Well I love seafood and had crab for dinner and then of course had to get some of that really good fudge. Well this place we were staying at was an island so they did not have a lot of drug stores or hospitals.

At about 3 in the morning I woke up with what I knew was constipation cramps. I went to the bathroom but could not go. I turned down the AC and lay on the hotel bathroom floor (gross I know) and got hotter and hotter. I was scared I was going to have to wake my dad up to call 911 since I had nothing to take to lower my temp. After about an hour, I finally vomited and went back to bed. My dad just asked if I was okay but let me deal with it on my own. Within 10 minutes I was back up in the bathroom sick again. I spent the next hour in terrible pain in the bathroom but the strange thing was I was never worried about my little one. I knew my pain was my stomach and constipation and not my baby. I prayed over and over to God to keep my little one safe while I dealt with my pain. I ended the night on the toilet with things coming out of both ends but my fever dropped as soon as I had nothing left to get out of my system.

The next day I picked at food so scared that would happen again. I have not been sick like that since I was a child.

Telling the World

We call all of our parents the afternoon of our first appointment. My hubby is not very good at keep secrets so we think it is best to tell our parents quickly before he slips and tells someone.

My mom had called me just two days after I found out I was prego crying and talking about she is praying so hard that I will be prego soon. I wanted to tell her so bad that day but I had to see the heartbeat first. I call my mom and finally get her on the phone and she cries and screams when I tell her. She is so excited. She is visiting my brother and SIL so she tells them and I hear my SIL yell congrats.

Everyone seems excited for us. We tell our church family as soon as bible study starts. I said something like, “We have a praise and a prayer request in one. We are just over 6 weeks pregnant and we need your prayers.” I cannot believe how much I am smiling and how happy everyone around us seems happy too. We are blessed to be loved so much and to have God gift us with a second child. Now to get to the end where we can hold this baby and raise him/her in the church.

First Appointment

I wake up shaking in the morning. The first thing I think about is my Sarah and how much I miss her. Then I go to the bathroom and wipe and suddenly my thoughts change to fear. I check my TP as I always do now and smile when there is nothing there. Sarah jumps back into my thoughts and now I am in the whirlwind of thoughts. What if we are going to have twins? I was on clomid after all. If I am having twins there is so much more that could go wrong. What if there is a sack but no baby? What if there are three babies? What if… What if filled my entire shower that morning. I finally had to force myself out of the warm water and get ready. I leave on time which is surprising for me. I am scared to eat my breakfast because I do not know if I need to fast before any of the test they will do that morning.

As I drive, I turn off Sarah’s CD so I can talk quietly with God. I talk with him for a while and TRY to give my fears over to him. I do feel more comforted by knowing he is there but I am still so worried about the appointment. Here come the questions from my shower… About half way to the docs, I realize I left my wallet at home. Now all I can think about is that it’s too late to turn around and go home but I need my insurance stuff and money to pay for today’s visit. So for me, I am lucky I left my wallet at home because I am now thinking about that and not what will or will not happen at my appointment.

The first half of my appointment is much like last time which is not really good. As we talk to one nurse after the next, my thoughts keep going to my sweet fairy princess, Sarah. Last time I answer these questions it was about my daughter. I was scared that first time with Sarah too but today I am scared, worried, shaking and remembering. I am forever changed and this just reminds me that the innocents of pregnancy is gone for me forever. The question, “Have either of you had a child with a disability?” is asked. Hubby says no but I stutter, “Umm well…” I look at hubby and finish, “Sarah did have webbed fingers… ummm” I look back at the nurse and she just nods to me, seeming to know what I am feeling and not wanting to make me say more. I have no idea what she writes down if anything I was so wrapped up in my thoughts. I have gotten too used to answering the question, “Do you have any children?” with “I have a daughter that was born straight to heaven.” I can now say that with a smile because I am thankful for my daughter and I am proud to be her mother but to have to say she was disabled?!?!?! I have never thought of her that way.

After just a moments wait, they call us back for the ultrasound. I undress from waist down in case they have to do an internal exam and then I lay on the table. Hubby holds my hand and we sit there in silence, I am sure we were both praying at that moment. The nurse comes in and did the u/s on my tummy and we see a large sack. I am holding my breath and squeezing my hubby’s hand. She turns the u/s and we can see a heartbeat! That was the most wonderful site. At first I lay there not moving and then suddenly I start to cry. My tummy moves and can no long see our baby on the screen. Hubby “scolds” me and tells me I have to be still. I then laugh and feel that huge weight lift my shoulders. We sit there looking at our baby a little long and then the doc comes in.

After my exam, she takes us to her office where we can talk. Hubby and I both ask all the questions we have even though I know my doc is booked solid that day. My doc keeps saying, “Congratulations” and smiling at us. This is the same doc that delivered Sarah and cried with me as I went through labor. It is really nice to be able to share such a good thing with her after sharing such a sad day with her just over a year ago. She notices me getting nervous and says things like, “We are going to watch you close this time but there is no reason since you are going to have a healthy baby this time.” Just her being there is a comfort. She tells me that she will see me very often this time. I understand her as to say that I will come in at the soonest 2 weeks and the latest 4 weeks. I get an u/s in two weeks since we can still only see a heartbeat at that time. After 24 weeks I get month baby growth measurements and after 30 weeks I will come in weekly.

For me being called high risk is just what I need. I get the extra attention I am going to want. I know it will most likely not change the outcome no matter how many times I go to the doc. But my stress and worry will be less at least right after each appointment and I do not have to wait a long time to have that next appointment. I hope the high of this appointment last a while. I am smiling and ready to tell the world. As I leave the docs I whisper, “Sarah you have a baby brother or sister.”

Sleepless Night

I have my appointment in less than 12 hours. It is amazing the butterflies I have in my stomach. I have prayed everyday that everything will be okay tomorrow. I am not sure what to expect. I got a call from my docs office last Thur to confirm my appointments at 8:00 am, at 8:45 (for the u/s), at 9:10 and at 10:00. What in the world… I really need that many appointments for the first prego appointment?! I mean this is the same place I was pregnant at with Sarah and I remember that first appointment taking two hours but it was only two appointments and I had to do a lot of waiting for the next person to be ready for me. I cannot imagine what tomorrow is going to be like. I do hope they stick to the u/s at 8:45 so hubby can go on back to work. I am excited but wondering if this is because my doc is seeing me as high risk so there is more to do.

I lay down to try to sleep and say my prayers. I often slip off to sleep while I am still doing my prayers but not tonight. I toss and turn. I close my eyes because they are so tired but my mind does not slow down at all. Hubby tosses his arm around me and I have to make him move it because makes me feel trapped. I normally love when he holds me as I try to sleep. I just want a few hours of sleep. I wake up several times that night and every time I go to the bathroom I check my TP. I am so scared I am going to see bleeding but so far I have had none.

Finally my alarm goes off. I very sleepily and happily get up and start to get ready for my appointment. The entire drive to my appointment I think about and pray about getting to see my little ones heartbeat soon, I hope.

Questions?

My first docs appointment is slowly getting closer. I am so nervous and scared that we will not be able to find a heartbeat. Every strange cramp and feeling I have scares me but every ligament stretch or pain of a sore nipple makes me smile. I am going through a rollercoaster of feelings. How I am or my hubby hand bad news if we cannot find a heartbeat? Will seeing a heartbeat make me worry less? How will we be treated at the docs office since I am “high risk” this time? I have so many questions. I have so many fears.

Last night I was at my mother-in-law’s (MIL) and I had a lot of sugar (a huge cookie cake was there.) I got a very strange feeling. It felt like my muscle by my chest bone was jumping. I went and laid down for a while in my brother-in-law’s (BIL) bed. After a while I felt better but the deep down sacredness has not gone away.

I am left with my fear and questions. What was that feeling I had? Is the little one in danger? If he/she is in danger is there anything I could do? I feel helpless. I am trying very hard to leave it in God's hands. I pray that both my little one and I make it through a healthy pregnancy.