Freaking Out

Nightmares have replaced my pleasant night’s sleep. I had them so bad right after Sarah was born but they had gone away until now. My loving hubby wakes me from my tears, from the grip of pain, from deepest fears to hold and rock me back to sleep. The emotional wreck my life has turned into is affecting all aspects.

I got up Tues morning and prayed harder than I have in a long time. I asked God to please take my fears and worries. I was turning them over to Him. I know there is nothing I can do to make this pregnancy go any better than it is. I know my worries and fears will not make my little Bitt any more healthy or alive at the u/s next week. I know only God can control what will happen next. I need God to carry me at this time and I have to trust in him. He will do what is best for my little Bitt.

Well this was what I needed until Friday. Once more I woke from the dream of a u/s with a baby that was not moving, and realized that I had no way of knowing if my little Bitt was okay. By that afternoon I was in a full blown panic. I called the doc’s crying so hard that the lady on the phone had to wait for me to calm down to even pull up my chart. A nurse called me back almost the moment I hung up the phone. Both the lady on the phone and the nurse did ask me when I felt the baby move last. That is the worst question in the world. I have not felt Bitt move yet. I only felt Sarah move once in 25 weeks and they asked me all the time with her too. I do not understand why I cannot feel my babies move. I just want to know they are okay.

Then nurse told me to come in right away and she would make sure I got seen as soon as they could. Within minutes of getting to the docs office that is 40 minutes away, the nurse called me back. Behind my tears I did smile at her so thankful she did not make me wait. We went straight to a room and she used the Doppler finding the heartbeat after just a few movements of her hands. I then cried tears of relief. That heaviness was lifting. It did not go away but it lifted, some. She stayed with me a few more minutes to make sure I was okay and then lead me out.

I love my docs. They did not make me feel bad for having to come in. They did what they could for me so I could relax for a little while longer. Thank you.

EDD of my Fairy Princess

Slowly, my mind starts to leave me. My emotions are running my actions. Relax? What is that? For the first time in a few months I find myself sliding down into that deep dark pit. I crawl at the sides not to side in. I have fallen in here so many times but this time I am aware I am falling and I want to stay up top in the light. Why am I sliding now? A broken heart that leaks from time to time is the only answer I can come up with.

Sarah’s EDD was last year on Sept 16. I did really well on her one year angel day but I am doing terrible the closer and closer her due date gets. I have no idea why I am taking this so much harder than I did her Angel day. I am prego now and was not then. I should be happy now. I should be excited. The tears are back and will not stop. They fight their way to the surface no matter what I am doing. Tues morning I could not stop crying. I thought I would have to miss work that day. The day before, I yelled at a coworker because of her not so nice comments about my life not being as stressful as hers. My emotions and stress are overwhelming. I try to relax for my little Bitt, but the tears take over. I miss my Sarah so much. I seldom think about the what if’s, but I have now that I realized I should have had a one year old not an angel. My heart is breaking again for my fairy princess. Sarah I miss you.

A DIME!

Sunday, hubby and I sat in our normal pew at church. Hubby gets my attention and motions to the window. I look the window up and down but do not see what he wants me to see. During the singing of one of the songs he whispers, “Look ON the window sill.” My eyes look from the far end to the end nearest us. I tear up immediately. There on the window sill at church at the end of our pew sits a DIME! I am shaking and smiling as I try to hold back my tears. Hubby puts an arm around me and we share a moment that no one else has a clue is going on. After the service I picked up the dime, prayed for my daughter, kissed the dime, and place it with all the other gifts (dimes) my daughter has sent me since she left.

My baby was in my arms
for too short of a time,
but now she is an angel.
She visits from heaven
with hugs and kisses
for her lonely parents.
Behind she leaves a sign,
an unexpected dime,
a smile for a tear stained face.
This found dime is not worth much
expect for a grieving parent,
it’s worth the world.

Written by Teri (me) for my Sarah.

Appointments

I called my mom and asked her if she could go with me to the docs next week. I swear I could hear her jumping up and down on the other end of the phone. She has been wanting, to go with me to an appointment ever since she found out I was prego again. She went with me to my second full ultrasound of Sarah and loved every moment of it. Next week we should get to hear the heartbeat again and I am so excited to watch my mom’s face as she hears that little beat.

My docs are still being great about seeing me every two weeks since I get nervous if the wait between appointments is too long. We tried 4 weeks once but I about flipped out and had to call for what we called a “comfort” appointment. Since I am going so often I am going to invite other members of my family that I know will love to go, to come with me so hubby does not feel like he as to take off every two weeks to go with me. He and I will be the only ones there at big important appointments like hearing the heartbeat for the first time, finding out Bitt’s gender.

"BITT"

Laying on the couch the other night, Hubby asked how the baby in the tummy was doing. I told him that the little one was not making me too sick that night. Hubby let out a little laugh and said that “BITT” was being nice that night. I looked at him confused and he said, “Baby In The Tummy.” We laughed and now our little one has a nickname.

Tonight after dinner my youngest cat laid beside me and I told her to make sure “Little Bitt” could hear her purring. Hubby laughed and said, “I heard that, Little Bitt.” He seems to like that I agreed with the nickname. So our little one is now known as Bitt until we can pick out a proper name after we learn if it’s a boy or girl.

Baby Shower (Not mine!)

(I am filling in a few topics I had wanted to write about but just did not find the time.)
Hubby and I went to a baby shower at church. I would never had gone if I was not prego again. I could not even go to my BIL’s baby shower last Dec because I just could not face the crowds of excited people over the upcoming baby.

Well hubby and I got there just as they were starting and the mother to be was already opening presents. I got out my camera and took a few pics since I do photograph all the time and was making sure the church had pics of the shower. Hubby was being very quiet all day and now was standing in the hall to stay out of people’s way. Some of the ladies from church called me over to find out my due date and if I liked the way the shower was set up. I told them my due date and joked (weakly) about this shower was too big since I did not even know that many people. They keep asking me about when I wanted my shower. Inside I was screaming and my heart was racing. All I could think was, “A shower for me?!?! That should have been a shower for Sarah, a year ago! I cannot have a shower with my Sarah. I do not want to celebrate. I just want to mourn my daughter.”

I finally got one of the ladies alone that I trust a lot and told her it was way too soon to be planning things like that for me. I was not ready to talk about that far in the future. She told me that they would not plan anything without me and they would let me tell them when I was ready. This made me feel better but I was still fighting back the tears and the fear that threatened to take over me.

I went back to tell hubby what the ladies and I were talking about and before I even made it to him I was in full tears. He let me cry on his shoulder and we both knew this was why I wanted/needed him at the shower that day with me. After a good cry and my hubby working hard to get me to smile and laugh, we left after being there only 15 minutes. I guess I am not ready for a baby shower.

Now back to my thoughts: After all the things I thought I felt so guilty. How could I be so selfish? Why don’t I want to celebrate my new little one? I mourn my daughter everyday why can I not take a break from that to celebrate a new life. It comes down to I am SCARED! I do not want to celebrate or plan that far ahead because I am scared this little one will be taken from me too. I lost one angel I do not want to lose another. If I do not plan ahead, will that make losing this little one easier? I am scared to think about a shower for this little one, to plan my leave from work, to think about the upcoming trimesters. I am just scared.

The Belly Book

Wow I have been gone a long time. I find it hard to be interesting in posting or even getting on the computer recently. I keep thinking of topics I want to write about and then forgetting them. I am sitting here trying to figure out what I should post since most of my post, are on my feelings. So I am going to start there…

I sat down at the beginning of the week and read in Sarah’s “Belly Book” and then picked up the new “Belly Book and started writing. I did not write much but I am glad I finally wrote something. I was close to tears as I wrote but so excited to finally be doing something that is for this little one in my tummy. I feel like I am moving forward for the first time in over a year. I am finally letting myself think about this new life in my tummy. I am still too scared to read ahead in my pregnancy books or to think about next month. I am finally accepting with much fear that there is a life growing inside of me.