Sleep?

Sleep…
Its been a while since I have posted but the lack of sleep is keeping me from time on the computer. Three weeks ago my Joanna changed. She went from a sleeping 6 to 8 hours at night and seldom any naps in the day to a baby that would not let us lay her down to sleep. At first I thought it was just her teething but she is still teething and no teeth are coming through. I never minded her getting up for a night time feeding but her waking every hour or two is making it hard to get a good night sleep. For now I am napping with her everyday but that has to stop since I start back to work in a week.

She goes to sleep quickly but if you lay her down she wakes up. Her eyes open and grow large and she whimpers like she is soooo scared. I have tried everything to lay her down but she does not want to loss that closeness with any person that is holding her. We tried letting her cry it out but I only made it 20 minutes and I was crying as hard as she was. It hurts my heart to leave her in the dark to cry. She cries even if you have a hand on her, she cries even if you are singing to her, she only stops crying if you pick her up. She has lost the ability to put herself back to sleep if she wakes up so that is left up to mommy which normally means nursing.

Well I am co-sleeping now. I have made half the couch into a bed and that is where Joanna and I sleep most every night now. I love cuddling with her but I miss sleeping with my hubby. Sleep…

I am taking the sleep issue one day at a time. I will celebrate the good nights and take the bad ones with a grin and a yawn. There are going to be set back but we are going to move forward no matter how slowly we crawl.

My Sarah's Angel Day

My fairy princess, my Sarah,

You are the blessing of my life and you changed my life forever. It’s been two years since you went to heaven and I honestly never thought this day would come. I did not think I could live without you for two years but somehow the days turned into weeks and then years. I think of you and love you still every moment of everyday. I have had to work hard to find my new normal but I would not trade who you made me for anything. Because of you I am a mother, because of you I understand unconditional love, because of you I am a better mother to your little sister. I am thankful I got to touch your life even if it was for the briefest of moments but know my daughter you have touched my life forever. Thank you for being your little sister’s guardian angel. She is the answers to our prayers and a special gift sent to us from you on your first angel day. Sarah you are remembered!

Love always,
Your mommy

Pictures from Teri

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Tears...

Tears come when I am smiling at my new baby girl. Tears come when my daughter is crying. Tears seem to roll down my cheeks for the slightest reasons. Such bittersweet moments.

The other day, I was watching my very small very young daughter while she breastfeed. It was a miracle to see her eating and looking up at me. Her dark blue eyes were bright and seemed to be smiling at me. I could see the love she has for her mommy already. I hoped she could recognize that same love in my eyes. Then all of a sudden my eyes filled with tears. I blinked trying to hold them back but with no luck. I have not felt the emptiness that strong in many months. I miss my daughter Sarah, but I am happy to be holding my daughter Joanna. My heart feels like it is torn in two. How can I be so happy and so sad at the same time?

First days

Time line of delivery!

6:30 My water broke! I told my hubby and he freaked. I was having no contractions so I told him to take a shower and put the car seat in the car. I washed a load of clothes for the hospital. I called my doc and he told me to come in when I had gotten ready. So, I took my shower and hubby helped me finish packing my stuff for labor.
8:00 We left for the hospital with freshly washed clothes. I was still having no contractions.
8:05 In the car (sitting on a towel) I had my first contraction. It was mild and only lasted 20 seconds or so.
8:10 I had my second contraction. It’s a 30 minute drive to the hospital so we time the rest of the contractions which were 4 or 5 minutes apart each time. They were contractions but nothing painful yet.
8:45 We checked into the treash (sp) room to make sure I was in labor and my water was broken. I was hooked up to monitors to check on my contractions and Joanna.
9:15 My doc checked me and my water had broken. He said I was 1 cm dilated, cervix was high so it would be late afternoon or that night before I would deliver. This was good since there were NO beds and my doc was going to be in surgery from 11 until 1. My contractions were 4 minutes apart and lasting about a minute and growing in intensity.
9:45 My contractions were getting so intense I started to have to do my breathing. (Okay it was more like moaning!) We are still not in a room so hubby has not even gotten time to call anyone or bring in our stuff.
10:15 I told the nurse I was feeling pressure. The nurse called and told them we had to have a room NOW! She did not want to deliver me. I was moaning in pain with contractions one on top of the next. She started my IV for the epidural I wanted.
10:30 I got 10 mg of newbane (sp) to help with the pain and finally got taken to a room.
10:45 The Midwife checked me since my doc was not around and I was 4 or 5 cm. Hubby went outside to call the family and get our stuff.
11:20 I asked if I can push. They checked me and I am 8 cm! Hubby got back from calling the family and getting our stuff to hear them giving me the okay to push!
11:30 I started pushing with no epidural since my blood work was not back yet!
11:45 Hubby almost passed out after watching 4 nurses try to hold me still.
11:55 The midwife wanted me to help finish delivering Joanna (she was very forceful and would not finish delivery until I gave her my hands). I finally opened my eyes (they were closed since labor started.)
11:59 I delivered Joanna after her head and shoulders where out. She was small… perfect… and in my arms!
12:05 We found out Joanna’s cord had a “true knot.”
She scored a 9 out of 9 in the agar score! She was alert and blowing bubbles as hubby held her!
So to sum it up… I was in labor for less than 4 hours, I got no pain meds, my doc was in surgery so it was a midwife delivery, I delivered the second half of my daughter, I cut the cord, Joanna’ birth was a miracle.

What's in a name?

At 28 weeks, my hubby and I finally started talking about names. We had off and on for a month or so but nothing really felt comfortable. Last weekend we sat down and said it was time to name our little Bitt. It has been the first truly step forward we have done. We are thinking of the future finally.

Well I looked through all the baby books I had used naming my Sarah and found sticky notes with names on them. I added them all to our list but those were the first we crossed out. I guess those were just too close to the pain we still feel about our angel. I wrote and read for hours on Sunday. Hubby picked up my list and quickly marked out all but about 8 names.

We had agreed we wanted a biblical name that had a special meaning for us. Joanna was a name I had brought up a while back just because my granddaddy is sick and wanted to find a way to name our little girl after him if something would happen. He is John Henry and I could only find a few names for a girl that reminded me of John at all. We did not really talk about the name and were looking at Hannah for a while.

Then on my list Joanna was not marked out. Hubby asked me the meaning of it and I said, “God’s precious gift.” That was it for us. We know our little girl is a precious gift being sent to us from God. It was amazing how simple and fitting the name seems to be. We are now calling her a mix of Bitt and Joanna. It’s so much more real when she has a name. Our little girl… Joanna.