Tears...

Tears come when I am smiling at my new baby girl. Tears come when my daughter is crying. Tears seem to roll down my cheeks for the slightest reasons. Such bittersweet moments.

The other day, I was watching my very small very young daughter while she breastfeed. It was a miracle to see her eating and looking up at me. Her dark blue eyes were bright and seemed to be smiling at me. I could see the love she has for her mommy already. I hoped she could recognize that same love in my eyes. Then all of a sudden my eyes filled with tears. I blinked trying to hold them back but with no luck. I have not felt the emptiness that strong in many months. I miss my daughter Sarah, but I am happy to be holding my daughter Joanna. My heart feels like it is torn in two. How can I be so happy and so sad at the same time?

First days

Time line of delivery!

6:30 My water broke! I told my hubby and he freaked. I was having no contractions so I told him to take a shower and put the car seat in the car. I washed a load of clothes for the hospital. I called my doc and he told me to come in when I had gotten ready. So, I took my shower and hubby helped me finish packing my stuff for labor.
8:00 We left for the hospital with freshly washed clothes. I was still having no contractions.
8:05 In the car (sitting on a towel) I had my first contraction. It was mild and only lasted 20 seconds or so.
8:10 I had my second contraction. It’s a 30 minute drive to the hospital so we time the rest of the contractions which were 4 or 5 minutes apart each time. They were contractions but nothing painful yet.
8:45 We checked into the treash (sp) room to make sure I was in labor and my water was broken. I was hooked up to monitors to check on my contractions and Joanna.
9:15 My doc checked me and my water had broken. He said I was 1 cm dilated, cervix was high so it would be late afternoon or that night before I would deliver. This was good since there were NO beds and my doc was going to be in surgery from 11 until 1. My contractions were 4 minutes apart and lasting about a minute and growing in intensity.
9:45 My contractions were getting so intense I started to have to do my breathing. (Okay it was more like moaning!) We are still not in a room so hubby has not even gotten time to call anyone or bring in our stuff.
10:15 I told the nurse I was feeling pressure. The nurse called and told them we had to have a room NOW! She did not want to deliver me. I was moaning in pain with contractions one on top of the next. She started my IV for the epidural I wanted.
10:30 I got 10 mg of newbane (sp) to help with the pain and finally got taken to a room.
10:45 The Midwife checked me since my doc was not around and I was 4 or 5 cm. Hubby went outside to call the family and get our stuff.
11:20 I asked if I can push. They checked me and I am 8 cm! Hubby got back from calling the family and getting our stuff to hear them giving me the okay to push!
11:30 I started pushing with no epidural since my blood work was not back yet!
11:45 Hubby almost passed out after watching 4 nurses try to hold me still.
11:55 The midwife wanted me to help finish delivering Joanna (she was very forceful and would not finish delivery until I gave her my hands). I finally opened my eyes (they were closed since labor started.)
11:59 I delivered Joanna after her head and shoulders where out. She was small… perfect… and in my arms!
12:05 We found out Joanna’s cord had a “true knot.”
She scored a 9 out of 9 in the agar score! She was alert and blowing bubbles as hubby held her!
So to sum it up… I was in labor for less than 4 hours, I got no pain meds, my doc was in surgery so it was a midwife delivery, I delivered the second half of my daughter, I cut the cord, Joanna’ birth was a miracle.

What's in a name?

At 28 weeks, my hubby and I finally started talking about names. We had off and on for a month or so but nothing really felt comfortable. Last weekend we sat down and said it was time to name our little Bitt. It has been the first truly step forward we have done. We are thinking of the future finally.

Well I looked through all the baby books I had used naming my Sarah and found sticky notes with names on them. I added them all to our list but those were the first we crossed out. I guess those were just too close to the pain we still feel about our angel. I wrote and read for hours on Sunday. Hubby picked up my list and quickly marked out all but about 8 names.

We had agreed we wanted a biblical name that had a special meaning for us. Joanna was a name I had brought up a while back just because my granddaddy is sick and wanted to find a way to name our little girl after him if something would happen. He is John Henry and I could only find a few names for a girl that reminded me of John at all. We did not really talk about the name and were looking at Hannah for a while.

Then on my list Joanna was not marked out. Hubby asked me the meaning of it and I said, “God’s precious gift.” That was it for us. We know our little girl is a precious gift being sent to us from God. It was amazing how simple and fitting the name seems to be. We are now calling her a mix of Bitt and Joanna. It’s so much more real when she has a name. Our little girl… Joanna.

Bitt's U/S

A Touching Thought

My mom just sent me this with the title "This made me think of you sweetheart". I spent the next half an hour crying and praying to God. I am so thankful for my angel, for my family, and the love and support I get from those closest to me (mostly from God.) I just had to share.

“Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't.Believe everything happens for a reason.If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it.Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.” Unknown

Great U/S!!!!!!!!

Almost 26 weeks and it’s time to see our Bitt again. I have been a nervous wreck for the past few days. We had been so excited last time at 25 weeks to see our angel again and things went so terrible wrong. I have prayed, wished and hoped today would be different.

The first thing all prego women do is pee in a cup at every appointment. Today my appointed started with the nurse saying my urine was perfect! You have no idea how a little thing like that can excited you. I then quickly drank the orange stuff that tasted like Sunkist to me. For the first time my docs office was running ahead of schedule so I call hubby to let him know he needs to get there soon.

They call me back before hubby gets there for the u/s. I ask the tech a lot of questions trying to make sure hubby will get there for most of the u/s. The tech was very nice. She asked why we were having the u/s that day so I told her about Sarah (I really enjoy being able to do that.) She told me we would take a close look at this little one but she just knew everything was going to be okay. Hubby did get there for most of the u/s.

We got to see our Bitt rolling her eyes. I mean you really could see her eyes moving around and around in her head. It was so amazing! We saw her (and I felt her) kick. She kept talking to us and moving her mouth like she had so much to say. We confirmed that she is a GIRL! All of the checking points turned out very good. She is in the 41% of growth and since she was a little behind last time I was so excited. Bitt pushed up on my tummy seeming to try to make more room for herself. She laid her hand on her forehead like we were stressing her out. Her brain was clear, her heart was beating well, and she moved her hands around. I could not have asked for a more wonderful u/s. I would say that the u/s lasted about 20 minutes. Pics will be posted soon.

My day turned around quickly. We not only saw our little Bitt but we saw her do so many wonderful thing. We know she is growing and doing well. When I was leaving the docs office I got to see light snow flurries! I can say that was such a wonderful day. I am so glad today was so different than the last u/s near 25 weeks.