(I am filling in a few topics I had wanted to write about but just did not find the time.)
Hubby and I went to a baby shower at church. I would never had gone if I was not prego again. I could not even go to my BIL’s baby shower last Dec because I just could not face the crowds of excited people over the upcoming baby.
Well hubby and I got there just as they were starting and the mother to be was already opening presents. I got out my camera and took a few pics since I do photograph all the time and was making sure the church had pics of the shower. Hubby was being very quiet all day and now was standing in the hall to stay out of people’s way. Some of the ladies from church called me over to find out my due date and if I liked the way the shower was set up. I told them my due date and joked (weakly) about this shower was too big since I did not even know that many people. They keep asking me about when I wanted my shower. Inside I was screaming and my heart was racing. All I could think was, “A shower for me?!?! That should have been a shower for Sarah, a year ago! I cannot have a shower with my Sarah. I do not want to celebrate. I just want to mourn my daughter.”
I finally got one of the ladies alone that I trust a lot and told her it was way too soon to be planning things like that for me. I was not ready to talk about that far in the future. She told me that they would not plan anything without me and they would let me tell them when I was ready. This made me feel better but I was still fighting back the tears and the fear that threatened to take over me.
I went back to tell hubby what the ladies and I were talking about and before I even made it to him I was in full tears. He let me cry on his shoulder and we both knew this was why I wanted/needed him at the shower that day with me. After a good cry and my hubby working hard to get me to smile and laugh, we left after being there only 15 minutes. I guess I am not ready for a baby shower.
Now back to my thoughts: After all the things I thought I felt so guilty. How could I be so selfish? Why don’t I want to celebrate my new little one? I mourn my daughter everyday why can I not take a break from that to celebrate a new life. It comes down to I am SCARED! I do not want to celebrate or plan that far ahead because I am scared this little one will be taken from me too. I lost one angel I do not want to lose another. If I do not plan ahead, will that make losing this little one easier? I am scared to think about a shower for this little one, to plan my leave from work, to think about the upcoming trimesters. I am just scared.
Here and Now
1 year ago