What's in a name?

At 28 weeks, my hubby and I finally started talking about names. We had off and on for a month or so but nothing really felt comfortable. Last weekend we sat down and said it was time to name our little Bitt. It has been the first truly step forward we have done. We are thinking of the future finally.

Well I looked through all the baby books I had used naming my Sarah and found sticky notes with names on them. I added them all to our list but those were the first we crossed out. I guess those were just too close to the pain we still feel about our angel. I wrote and read for hours on Sunday. Hubby picked up my list and quickly marked out all but about 8 names.

We had agreed we wanted a biblical name that had a special meaning for us. Joanna was a name I had brought up a while back just because my granddaddy is sick and wanted to find a way to name our little girl after him if something would happen. He is John Henry and I could only find a few names for a girl that reminded me of John at all. We did not really talk about the name and were looking at Hannah for a while.

Then on my list Joanna was not marked out. Hubby asked me the meaning of it and I said, “God’s precious gift.” That was it for us. We know our little girl is a precious gift being sent to us from God. It was amazing how simple and fitting the name seems to be. We are now calling her a mix of Bitt and Joanna. It’s so much more real when she has a name. Our little girl… Joanna.

Bitt's U/S

A Touching Thought

My mom just sent me this with the title "This made me think of you sweetheart". I spent the next half an hour crying and praying to God. I am so thankful for my angel, for my family, and the love and support I get from those closest to me (mostly from God.) I just had to share.

“Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't.Believe everything happens for a reason.If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it.Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.” Unknown

Great U/S!!!!!!!!

Almost 26 weeks and it’s time to see our Bitt again. I have been a nervous wreck for the past few days. We had been so excited last time at 25 weeks to see our angel again and things went so terrible wrong. I have prayed, wished and hoped today would be different.

The first thing all prego women do is pee in a cup at every appointment. Today my appointed started with the nurse saying my urine was perfect! You have no idea how a little thing like that can excited you. I then quickly drank the orange stuff that tasted like Sunkist to me. For the first time my docs office was running ahead of schedule so I call hubby to let him know he needs to get there soon.

They call me back before hubby gets there for the u/s. I ask the tech a lot of questions trying to make sure hubby will get there for most of the u/s. The tech was very nice. She asked why we were having the u/s that day so I told her about Sarah (I really enjoy being able to do that.) She told me we would take a close look at this little one but she just knew everything was going to be okay. Hubby did get there for most of the u/s.

We got to see our Bitt rolling her eyes. I mean you really could see her eyes moving around and around in her head. It was so amazing! We saw her (and I felt her) kick. She kept talking to us and moving her mouth like she had so much to say. We confirmed that she is a GIRL! All of the checking points turned out very good. She is in the 41% of growth and since she was a little behind last time I was so excited. Bitt pushed up on my tummy seeming to try to make more room for herself. She laid her hand on her forehead like we were stressing her out. Her brain was clear, her heart was beating well, and she moved her hands around. I could not have asked for a more wonderful u/s. I would say that the u/s lasted about 20 minutes. Pics will be posted soon.

My day turned around quickly. We not only saw our little Bitt but we saw her do so many wonderful thing. We know she is growing and doing well. When I was leaving the docs office I got to see light snow flurries! I can say that was such a wonderful day. I am so glad today was so different than the last u/s near 25 weeks.

A day I have feared!

25 weeks! What a special time. Last June I was sitting in my classroom waiting to leave for me next appointment. My hubby and I were so excited we were going to see your fairy princess, Sarah, again today. We hoped and prayed not to see her cycst in her brain any more. We never thought we should be praying to see a heartbeat. My Sarah was born straight to heaven 25 weeks and one day into my pregnancy.

Today! How do you face the day you lost our baby? I was so surprised this morning to wake up with a smile on my lips and a song in my heart. For most of the day I had a good day. I thought about my Sarah, feared for my Bitt but rejoiced knowing I am feeling Bitt move (such a comfort since I only felt Sarah move once.) A long day of teaching winds down and I am exhausted. I had a good day at work and got a lot done in my planning period. I skipped the grocery store because all I wanted to do was get home, lay on the couch and wait for Bitt to move.

I lay on the couch for 2 hours and only feel light touches that might be Bitt or just my nervous tummy. Hubby calls to check on me and knows I am worried just by the tone of my voice. Bitt moves a little more but still not as strong as normal. Before hubby gets home I feel her move a lot. My worry is that it’s not as strong as normal.

I guess my fear of losing Bitt is not going to go away today. I am scared. I am worried. I fear every moment with Bitt will be my last. I face the end of the day with a heavy heart, a clouded mind and a worried soul. I end my day on my knees begging God to give me more time with this little one. I turn my tear covered face to heaven and smile at my angel looking down on me. I thank Sarah for all she gave me and I pray to God that he keeps my Bitt safe and healthy. I lay a hand on my tummy waiting for Bitt to move one more time…

A letter to Bitt

Bitt,
I felt I just needed to write to you tonight. I have been so stressed and not in a good place for weeks now and I am sorry. I know this stress and worry is not good for either of us. I wish I could let it go, for you. I think about you all the time. I think about your big sis who is always and forever your guardian angel. I dream of your future then I freak out because your coming home with me seems so real and the realization that that might not happen hits me. I try to be a good mommy to you but I know I am failing. Recently, I sit as still as I can and just wait for you to move. When you are asleep, and I do not feel you move I start to panic. I know… I know I should not worry because you are a baby and sleep a lot. When I finally feel your little kick, I smile every time. That feeling is such a miracle, you are a miracle. I promise to love you always and forever. My bound with you will continue to grow, so lack I have now will be that much stronger tomorrow and the day after. Please forgive me my Bitt for not being a better mother right now. I will make it up to you.
Love always,
Mommy

Daily Routine...

My daily routine is now…
Go to work.
Start worrying about my Bitt.
Work late because I am too stressed to concentrate.
Have a snack when I get home.
Lay on the couch with a hand on my tummy.
Wait however long to feel Bitt move.
Feel her move.
Smile.
Relax until the next morning.
Rinse and repeat!

Hearing Bitt's heartbeat!

A Doppler is a neat thing. A good friend of mine is 10 weeks prego and got her Doppler this week. She cannot find the heartbeat yet but got to see it on Tues so we are not worried. Why its so great is she let me keep the Doppler this weekend! This friend put the Doppler in my classroom after lunch today, so I HAD to try it out.

I went to the office all the math and science teachers share and shut the doors. I pulled up my shirt and pushed down my pants below my tummy. I put a little lotion/gel on the probe and started looking for the heartbeat and then… a side door opened and there stood a freshman girl looking at me confused. She asked was I using the phone and I said, “No but I am doing something you will have to come back later.” We both looked like deer caught in the headlights. After a few deep breaths to calm down again, I put the probe back on my tummy and started to twist and turn it just like the nurses always do.

After just a moment of trying I find it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My little girls heart just a beating. She must have moved because I had to look for it again but I heard it strong and loud. I cannot wait to share this with my hubby when he gets home.

Testing... Testing...

Testing… Testing… why is it all so hard? After a long talk and a lot of prayers after our u/s, hubby and I made a choice I am shocked about. I went for the quad screening test last Tues. I have told very very few that I had this test done. Hubby and I both said no and yes so many times to the testing that I finally just said that we should since we are unsure and if I did not get the test by last Wed then it would be too late and I could never get the test done. For us the blood test was safer since it had no chance of harming the baby. We could never do an amino since there is a small chance the baby will be hurt by this test.

Well I was okay with everything and have keep myself busy or at least my mind off the testing until now. The nurse told me I would get a letter in the mail about a week after the test if everything was okay and a call a few days after the test if anything was wrong. Well its been a week and no call or letter. That’s good news right? I am expecting the letter in the mail in the next few days. I am just worried my doc got the results and just has not called me yet because she knows how I worry. OH, I never thought I wanted to know but now I do. I want to know the results. I am getting worried about finding out the odds. Okay I am worried about everything but this is my newest worry.

Thanks for listening.

Bitt's Pics

"Why are we not happier?"

Sitting in a noisy restaurant, hubby and I decide to call the family to let them know it’s a girl. I of course call my mom first. I tell her about what we saw and that “She” waved at us. I could hear the excitement in my mom’s voice asking was it a girl. I said yes. Then in a quieter voice my mom asked, “Why are you not happy?” That is the question of the day. I lied and told her that it just had not sunken in yet.

After I hung up, I looked at hubby and asked him, “Why are we not happier?” He shrugged and that started us talking about why we were sitting there just after having such a wonderful u/s and both were about in tears. In fact I had to fight to keep the tears in my eyes and not on my face. After talking for a while we came up with a list of reasons we were not happier.
1. Our Bitt is a girl. That scares us since it feels like our angel girl just left us. We wanted a boy or a girl as long as it is healthy but to know it’s a girl again is scary.
2. TESTING! At every appointment that both hubby and I were at, the docs asked what kind of testing we wanted. Every time we said NO testing at all but the u/s. Why do they keep bring up testing? Do they see something they are not telling us and think we need the testing? Is the testing just because we are not sure why Sarah went to heaven? I only have 5 days left in order to do any of the testing.
3. Measuring small. Bitt is measuring a little on the small side. She is about 4 days smaller than she should be.
4. Happy? How can you be happy when you heart still has a hole in it? How can we look towards the future when we are just praying for one more day with our Bitt?
5. Broken hearts. We are too scared to get excited knowing how it could turn out. If we get too excited we are just setting ourselves up for an even larger heartbreak if something goes wrong.

Within an hour of our appointment, I was crying in Dollar General. I called the docs back and talked to my doc which helped a lot. I called back still crying and made an appointment with Allison, the consular I saw last year just after Sarah was born. The nurse on the phone would not let me hang up until I stopped crying. She was so worried about me.

She is not the only one. I am worried. I want nothing more than to lay back relax and enjoy every moment I have with my Bitt. I know my stress is not good for her. "Why am I not happier?"

God, please help us through this time. I try everyday to give over my fears and worries to you. I know you will do what is best for our little Bitt. Give me the strength to enjoy this pregnancy and this new miracle growing in my tummy.

A Boy or a Girl?

I thought this week would last forever but somehow it was not as long as I thought it would be. Friday finally came after a pretty good week. I woke up Wed morning and laid my hand on my tummy to feel my baby move for the first time. Little Bitt must have rolled her foot or arm under my hand because I felt a “roll” and knew it was not gas. Then Thur morning I gained two of my lost 6 pounds back. I was jumping for joy both mornings. I even did a little dance while I was getting ready for work.

Okay the important info: I laid back and exposed my tummy to the tech. She asked if we want to know the sex. I said we do but not until we know everything else looks good. I want to be able to be excited about what we are having. She agreed and started the u/s.

She did all the normal measurements and our little one is measuring about 4 days small. There were NO cysts in the brain. We got to see a stomach that was full of amniotic fluid and after a while we saw a full bladder. The digestive system is working! As the tech focused on the feet, Bitt started to tap danced for us. The tech wanted to get a better profile shot and worked on getting it just right. Bitt laid there with its arms propped behind its head like it was just chillin’ out. Bitt also kept trying to find her mouth with her fingers but never did while we were watching. As we watched, Bitt opened its mouth and swallowed more amniotic fluid. We got to see the little tongue moving inside the mouth. It was so wonderful to just lay there and watch my little Bitt.

Sarah’s little hands were so tightly clinched when she was born that it was almost impossible to open one of her hands. This and her webbed fingers where a sign of her sickness, which we still are not sure what it was. I asked the tech to please find a good shot of the hands. She got the shot just moments after I asked. Our little Bitt knew what we wanted and opened her hand showing all the fingers and waved at us. I started crying and was sooooo relieved. So now the tech felt it was okay to show us now that it looks like we are going to have a little GIRL!

Freaking Out

Nightmares have replaced my pleasant night’s sleep. I had them so bad right after Sarah was born but they had gone away until now. My loving hubby wakes me from my tears, from the grip of pain, from deepest fears to hold and rock me back to sleep. The emotional wreck my life has turned into is affecting all aspects.

I got up Tues morning and prayed harder than I have in a long time. I asked God to please take my fears and worries. I was turning them over to Him. I know there is nothing I can do to make this pregnancy go any better than it is. I know my worries and fears will not make my little Bitt any more healthy or alive at the u/s next week. I know only God can control what will happen next. I need God to carry me at this time and I have to trust in him. He will do what is best for my little Bitt.

Well this was what I needed until Friday. Once more I woke from the dream of a u/s with a baby that was not moving, and realized that I had no way of knowing if my little Bitt was okay. By that afternoon I was in a full blown panic. I called the doc’s crying so hard that the lady on the phone had to wait for me to calm down to even pull up my chart. A nurse called me back almost the moment I hung up the phone. Both the lady on the phone and the nurse did ask me when I felt the baby move last. That is the worst question in the world. I have not felt Bitt move yet. I only felt Sarah move once in 25 weeks and they asked me all the time with her too. I do not understand why I cannot feel my babies move. I just want to know they are okay.

Then nurse told me to come in right away and she would make sure I got seen as soon as they could. Within minutes of getting to the docs office that is 40 minutes away, the nurse called me back. Behind my tears I did smile at her so thankful she did not make me wait. We went straight to a room and she used the Doppler finding the heartbeat after just a few movements of her hands. I then cried tears of relief. That heaviness was lifting. It did not go away but it lifted, some. She stayed with me a few more minutes to make sure I was okay and then lead me out.

I love my docs. They did not make me feel bad for having to come in. They did what they could for me so I could relax for a little while longer. Thank you.

EDD of my Fairy Princess

Slowly, my mind starts to leave me. My emotions are running my actions. Relax? What is that? For the first time in a few months I find myself sliding down into that deep dark pit. I crawl at the sides not to side in. I have fallen in here so many times but this time I am aware I am falling and I want to stay up top in the light. Why am I sliding now? A broken heart that leaks from time to time is the only answer I can come up with.

Sarah’s EDD was last year on Sept 16. I did really well on her one year angel day but I am doing terrible the closer and closer her due date gets. I have no idea why I am taking this so much harder than I did her Angel day. I am prego now and was not then. I should be happy now. I should be excited. The tears are back and will not stop. They fight their way to the surface no matter what I am doing. Tues morning I could not stop crying. I thought I would have to miss work that day. The day before, I yelled at a coworker because of her not so nice comments about my life not being as stressful as hers. My emotions and stress are overwhelming. I try to relax for my little Bitt, but the tears take over. I miss my Sarah so much. I seldom think about the what if’s, but I have now that I realized I should have had a one year old not an angel. My heart is breaking again for my fairy princess. Sarah I miss you.

A DIME!

Sunday, hubby and I sat in our normal pew at church. Hubby gets my attention and motions to the window. I look the window up and down but do not see what he wants me to see. During the singing of one of the songs he whispers, “Look ON the window sill.” My eyes look from the far end to the end nearest us. I tear up immediately. There on the window sill at church at the end of our pew sits a DIME! I am shaking and smiling as I try to hold back my tears. Hubby puts an arm around me and we share a moment that no one else has a clue is going on. After the service I picked up the dime, prayed for my daughter, kissed the dime, and place it with all the other gifts (dimes) my daughter has sent me since she left.

My baby was in my arms
for too short of a time,
but now she is an angel.
She visits from heaven
with hugs and kisses
for her lonely parents.
Behind she leaves a sign,
an unexpected dime,
a smile for a tear stained face.
This found dime is not worth much
expect for a grieving parent,
it’s worth the world.

Written by Teri (me) for my Sarah.

Appointments

I called my mom and asked her if she could go with me to the docs next week. I swear I could hear her jumping up and down on the other end of the phone. She has been wanting, to go with me to an appointment ever since she found out I was prego again. She went with me to my second full ultrasound of Sarah and loved every moment of it. Next week we should get to hear the heartbeat again and I am so excited to watch my mom’s face as she hears that little beat.

My docs are still being great about seeing me every two weeks since I get nervous if the wait between appointments is too long. We tried 4 weeks once but I about flipped out and had to call for what we called a “comfort” appointment. Since I am going so often I am going to invite other members of my family that I know will love to go, to come with me so hubby does not feel like he as to take off every two weeks to go with me. He and I will be the only ones there at big important appointments like hearing the heartbeat for the first time, finding out Bitt’s gender.

"BITT"

Laying on the couch the other night, Hubby asked how the baby in the tummy was doing. I told him that the little one was not making me too sick that night. Hubby let out a little laugh and said that “BITT” was being nice that night. I looked at him confused and he said, “Baby In The Tummy.” We laughed and now our little one has a nickname.

Tonight after dinner my youngest cat laid beside me and I told her to make sure “Little Bitt” could hear her purring. Hubby laughed and said, “I heard that, Little Bitt.” He seems to like that I agreed with the nickname. So our little one is now known as Bitt until we can pick out a proper name after we learn if it’s a boy or girl.

Baby Shower (Not mine!)

(I am filling in a few topics I had wanted to write about but just did not find the time.)
Hubby and I went to a baby shower at church. I would never had gone if I was not prego again. I could not even go to my BIL’s baby shower last Dec because I just could not face the crowds of excited people over the upcoming baby.

Well hubby and I got there just as they were starting and the mother to be was already opening presents. I got out my camera and took a few pics since I do photograph all the time and was making sure the church had pics of the shower. Hubby was being very quiet all day and now was standing in the hall to stay out of people’s way. Some of the ladies from church called me over to find out my due date and if I liked the way the shower was set up. I told them my due date and joked (weakly) about this shower was too big since I did not even know that many people. They keep asking me about when I wanted my shower. Inside I was screaming and my heart was racing. All I could think was, “A shower for me?!?! That should have been a shower for Sarah, a year ago! I cannot have a shower with my Sarah. I do not want to celebrate. I just want to mourn my daughter.”

I finally got one of the ladies alone that I trust a lot and told her it was way too soon to be planning things like that for me. I was not ready to talk about that far in the future. She told me that they would not plan anything without me and they would let me tell them when I was ready. This made me feel better but I was still fighting back the tears and the fear that threatened to take over me.

I went back to tell hubby what the ladies and I were talking about and before I even made it to him I was in full tears. He let me cry on his shoulder and we both knew this was why I wanted/needed him at the shower that day with me. After a good cry and my hubby working hard to get me to smile and laugh, we left after being there only 15 minutes. I guess I am not ready for a baby shower.

Now back to my thoughts: After all the things I thought I felt so guilty. How could I be so selfish? Why don’t I want to celebrate my new little one? I mourn my daughter everyday why can I not take a break from that to celebrate a new life. It comes down to I am SCARED! I do not want to celebrate or plan that far ahead because I am scared this little one will be taken from me too. I lost one angel I do not want to lose another. If I do not plan ahead, will that make losing this little one easier? I am scared to think about a shower for this little one, to plan my leave from work, to think about the upcoming trimesters. I am just scared.

The Belly Book

Wow I have been gone a long time. I find it hard to be interesting in posting or even getting on the computer recently. I keep thinking of topics I want to write about and then forgetting them. I am sitting here trying to figure out what I should post since most of my post, are on my feelings. So I am going to start there…

I sat down at the beginning of the week and read in Sarah’s “Belly Book” and then picked up the new “Belly Book and started writing. I did not write much but I am glad I finally wrote something. I was close to tears as I wrote but so excited to finally be doing something that is for this little one in my tummy. I feel like I am moving forward for the first time in over a year. I am finally letting myself think about this new life in my tummy. I am still too scared to read ahead in my pregnancy books or to think about next month. I am finally accepting with much fear that there is a life growing inside of me.

Missing Sarah

Walking back into the house with the mail, I flip through it so I can throw away the junk mail. I see a catalog with 1st birthday written on the front. I almost fall down right there in the yard. It is very hot outside and I am sweating but I am still finding it hard to make one foot move in front of the other. I feel the warm tears filling my eyes to the point where I cannot see any more. I finally find the strength to open the front door and go inside.

I sit on the couch looking through this catalog that I know was sent to me because my Sarah’s estimated due date (EDD) was Sept 16 of last year and she should have been one in just over a month. I find a set of birthday items for a fairy princess which I always called Sarah and now the tears start to stream down my face. I know looking in that catalog would make me sad but I did it anyway. How could I bring that kind of pain on myself? Why do I do things that I know is going to hurt and bring tears to my eyes? I get so upset with myself when I do this but I cannot help myself, I have to look.

I slowly get up and go to Sarah’s room and sit in her rocking chair holding a teddy bear and cry. I pick up the book I made for Sarah just months after she was born straight to heaven. I read it out loud to Sarah and my new little one just as I did on the day I found out about my new little one. I cry and cry. I miss my daughter more than words can express. I love my daughter. I am blessed to have had her but our time was just too short. I still have such a big hole in my heart that nothing will ever be able to fill. My arms still ache with emptiness. My fairy princess changed my life forever and I am thankful she was part of my life but the pain of her leaving is still so new sometimes. I cannot believe it’s been over a year since we said goodbye. It feels like I was holding her just yesterday and having to say goodbye. That was the worst and one of the best days of my life.

Sarah, I love and miss you.

Morning Sickness

I am so thankful I am sick. With Sarah I never felt sick at all. I have heard from so many people that morning sickness means the pregnancy is going good. I am not sure if that is true but I am so thankful I am having morning sickness. Only a few will understand that comment but I will try to explain.

I feel prego only when I remind myself I am prego. I want to feel my little one and know my little one is with me and being sick reminds me I do have a little one growing in my tummy. I never really felt prego with Sarah because I had few prego symptoms and the ones I had were not until I was later in my pregnancy. So getting sick and feeling sick after I eat just let me feel connected with this pregnancy. This is the only connection to my little one I feel so I do would not want to trade it for anything. I am one of those crazy prego women whose glad I am having morning sickness. Now I just worry that I am getting enough nutrition for my little one. I know I am but I still worry.

Second U/S

Hubby has off this week, so I am enjoying as much time with him as I can. This morning we went to the docs to have our second u/s.

I was nervous and so worried that we would not see a heartbeat this time. I was also nervous because my normal doc was out of the office today because her father passed away and I was going to be seeing a new doc I had never met. The nurse let me know that he was the only doc in the office that day which is unusual since there are 8 or so docs in this one office. The tech did the u/s and pointed out the blob on the screen and said “This is your baby and see there is the heartbeat.” I cried again and hubby just laid a hand on my shoulder. The tech asked if we wanted to hear the heartbeat. I was shocked I did not think we could hear the heartbeat at only 8 weeks. I nodded since I was so shocked to talk. My little ones heartbeat was soft and fast at 182 beat per minute. She measured the little one and it measured perfect! 8 weeks 5 days!
The doc talked with us about testing since we never found out why Sarah passed away but hubby and I still said no to all testing. The new doc still seems to know everything about my case and was very supportive. Even with him being the only doc in the office he did not rush with us and let me ask any questions I wanted too.

I told him about my morning sickness whenever I eat. He told me its okay as long as I do not lose more than 5 lbs. I am now sick feeling every time I eat and I have lost 3 lbs. I am trying to eat but I get sick feeling if I eat more than about half of a normal meal.

Beach and Morning Sickness

I was at the beach with my dad last night. We go every year near our birthdays since we share the same birthday. Well I love seafood and had crab for dinner and then of course had to get some of that really good fudge. Well this place we were staying at was an island so they did not have a lot of drug stores or hospitals.

At about 3 in the morning I woke up with what I knew was constipation cramps. I went to the bathroom but could not go. I turned down the AC and lay on the hotel bathroom floor (gross I know) and got hotter and hotter. I was scared I was going to have to wake my dad up to call 911 since I had nothing to take to lower my temp. After about an hour, I finally vomited and went back to bed. My dad just asked if I was okay but let me deal with it on my own. Within 10 minutes I was back up in the bathroom sick again. I spent the next hour in terrible pain in the bathroom but the strange thing was I was never worried about my little one. I knew my pain was my stomach and constipation and not my baby. I prayed over and over to God to keep my little one safe while I dealt with my pain. I ended the night on the toilet with things coming out of both ends but my fever dropped as soon as I had nothing left to get out of my system.

The next day I picked at food so scared that would happen again. I have not been sick like that since I was a child.

Telling the World

We call all of our parents the afternoon of our first appointment. My hubby is not very good at keep secrets so we think it is best to tell our parents quickly before he slips and tells someone.

My mom had called me just two days after I found out I was prego crying and talking about she is praying so hard that I will be prego soon. I wanted to tell her so bad that day but I had to see the heartbeat first. I call my mom and finally get her on the phone and she cries and screams when I tell her. She is so excited. She is visiting my brother and SIL so she tells them and I hear my SIL yell congrats.

Everyone seems excited for us. We tell our church family as soon as bible study starts. I said something like, “We have a praise and a prayer request in one. We are just over 6 weeks pregnant and we need your prayers.” I cannot believe how much I am smiling and how happy everyone around us seems happy too. We are blessed to be loved so much and to have God gift us with a second child. Now to get to the end where we can hold this baby and raise him/her in the church.

First Appointment

I wake up shaking in the morning. The first thing I think about is my Sarah and how much I miss her. Then I go to the bathroom and wipe and suddenly my thoughts change to fear. I check my TP as I always do now and smile when there is nothing there. Sarah jumps back into my thoughts and now I am in the whirlwind of thoughts. What if we are going to have twins? I was on clomid after all. If I am having twins there is so much more that could go wrong. What if there is a sack but no baby? What if there are three babies? What if… What if filled my entire shower that morning. I finally had to force myself out of the warm water and get ready. I leave on time which is surprising for me. I am scared to eat my breakfast because I do not know if I need to fast before any of the test they will do that morning.

As I drive, I turn off Sarah’s CD so I can talk quietly with God. I talk with him for a while and TRY to give my fears over to him. I do feel more comforted by knowing he is there but I am still so worried about the appointment. Here come the questions from my shower… About half way to the docs, I realize I left my wallet at home. Now all I can think about is that it’s too late to turn around and go home but I need my insurance stuff and money to pay for today’s visit. So for me, I am lucky I left my wallet at home because I am now thinking about that and not what will or will not happen at my appointment.

The first half of my appointment is much like last time which is not really good. As we talk to one nurse after the next, my thoughts keep going to my sweet fairy princess, Sarah. Last time I answer these questions it was about my daughter. I was scared that first time with Sarah too but today I am scared, worried, shaking and remembering. I am forever changed and this just reminds me that the innocents of pregnancy is gone for me forever. The question, “Have either of you had a child with a disability?” is asked. Hubby says no but I stutter, “Umm well…” I look at hubby and finish, “Sarah did have webbed fingers… ummm” I look back at the nurse and she just nods to me, seeming to know what I am feeling and not wanting to make me say more. I have no idea what she writes down if anything I was so wrapped up in my thoughts. I have gotten too used to answering the question, “Do you have any children?” with “I have a daughter that was born straight to heaven.” I can now say that with a smile because I am thankful for my daughter and I am proud to be her mother but to have to say she was disabled?!?!?! I have never thought of her that way.

After just a moments wait, they call us back for the ultrasound. I undress from waist down in case they have to do an internal exam and then I lay on the table. Hubby holds my hand and we sit there in silence, I am sure we were both praying at that moment. The nurse comes in and did the u/s on my tummy and we see a large sack. I am holding my breath and squeezing my hubby’s hand. She turns the u/s and we can see a heartbeat! That was the most wonderful site. At first I lay there not moving and then suddenly I start to cry. My tummy moves and can no long see our baby on the screen. Hubby “scolds” me and tells me I have to be still. I then laugh and feel that huge weight lift my shoulders. We sit there looking at our baby a little long and then the doc comes in.

After my exam, she takes us to her office where we can talk. Hubby and I both ask all the questions we have even though I know my doc is booked solid that day. My doc keeps saying, “Congratulations” and smiling at us. This is the same doc that delivered Sarah and cried with me as I went through labor. It is really nice to be able to share such a good thing with her after sharing such a sad day with her just over a year ago. She notices me getting nervous and says things like, “We are going to watch you close this time but there is no reason since you are going to have a healthy baby this time.” Just her being there is a comfort. She tells me that she will see me very often this time. I understand her as to say that I will come in at the soonest 2 weeks and the latest 4 weeks. I get an u/s in two weeks since we can still only see a heartbeat at that time. After 24 weeks I get month baby growth measurements and after 30 weeks I will come in weekly.

For me being called high risk is just what I need. I get the extra attention I am going to want. I know it will most likely not change the outcome no matter how many times I go to the doc. But my stress and worry will be less at least right after each appointment and I do not have to wait a long time to have that next appointment. I hope the high of this appointment last a while. I am smiling and ready to tell the world. As I leave the docs I whisper, “Sarah you have a baby brother or sister.”

Sleepless Night

I have my appointment in less than 12 hours. It is amazing the butterflies I have in my stomach. I have prayed everyday that everything will be okay tomorrow. I am not sure what to expect. I got a call from my docs office last Thur to confirm my appointments at 8:00 am, at 8:45 (for the u/s), at 9:10 and at 10:00. What in the world… I really need that many appointments for the first prego appointment?! I mean this is the same place I was pregnant at with Sarah and I remember that first appointment taking two hours but it was only two appointments and I had to do a lot of waiting for the next person to be ready for me. I cannot imagine what tomorrow is going to be like. I do hope they stick to the u/s at 8:45 so hubby can go on back to work. I am excited but wondering if this is because my doc is seeing me as high risk so there is more to do.

I lay down to try to sleep and say my prayers. I often slip off to sleep while I am still doing my prayers but not tonight. I toss and turn. I close my eyes because they are so tired but my mind does not slow down at all. Hubby tosses his arm around me and I have to make him move it because makes me feel trapped. I normally love when he holds me as I try to sleep. I just want a few hours of sleep. I wake up several times that night and every time I go to the bathroom I check my TP. I am so scared I am going to see bleeding but so far I have had none.

Finally my alarm goes off. I very sleepily and happily get up and start to get ready for my appointment. The entire drive to my appointment I think about and pray about getting to see my little ones heartbeat soon, I hope.

Questions?

My first docs appointment is slowly getting closer. I am so nervous and scared that we will not be able to find a heartbeat. Every strange cramp and feeling I have scares me but every ligament stretch or pain of a sore nipple makes me smile. I am going through a rollercoaster of feelings. How I am or my hubby hand bad news if we cannot find a heartbeat? Will seeing a heartbeat make me worry less? How will we be treated at the docs office since I am “high risk” this time? I have so many questions. I have so many fears.

Last night I was at my mother-in-law’s (MIL) and I had a lot of sugar (a huge cookie cake was there.) I got a very strange feeling. It felt like my muscle by my chest bone was jumping. I went and laid down for a while in my brother-in-law’s (BIL) bed. After a while I felt better but the deep down sacredness has not gone away.

I am left with my fear and questions. What was that feeling I had? Is the little one in danger? If he/she is in danger is there anything I could do? I feel helpless. I am trying very hard to leave it in God's hands. I pray that both my little one and I make it through a healthy pregnancy.

Testing Again!

I am having very sore nipples and a lot of ligament stretching. Every time I stand up I feel a pull down on my left or right side. Most of the time it is on my left side but with Sarah it was mostly on my right. I am wondering if that means this baby is on the left side of my uterus since Sarah was on my right side. I keep thinking that every time I get a little tired or not feeling good… “OH is this morning sickness!” I get excited that maybe I am going to have a real prego symptom but every time it passes in just a few minutes. With my first pregnancy, I only had ligament stretching, sore nipples, and a fast growing tummy. I know most women do not understand this but I am so hoping for more symptoms to make me feel more prego.

With the lack of symptoms, I feel the need to test again today. It am so comforting to see that “PREGNANCY” on that test again. This is the first month I ever used digital test and I really like them, expect you have to have more prego hormones to get a positive.

Telling Hubby

After I finally stop cry, I try to think of a way to tell hubby. Last time he got a baby rattle wrapped for him but I wanted to do it differently this time. Hubby had just gotten me a new camera for our anniversary so I take a pic of a teddy bear holding the BFP and then one of a close up of the BFP.

Hubby comes home a little talkative about the new TV we are getting soon. I am so excited, I find it hard to let him talk and to wait. Once he finishes, I ask him to look at the pics I took on the camera today. He looks at the one of the teddy bear and just nods, and then he looks at the second pic and just stares at it. After a while, he asks, “Are you really?” All I did was nod. He stares for a little long and then tells me he feels sick. I am now worried, he was not really ready but seeming to know that I was worrying he turned and told me he is excited. He explains that we had been trying for so long he did not expect the positive this month. As the night goes on, hubby sits in shock most of the time and does not let bring up me being prego again but agrees to start doing the kitty litter. (Such a good man.)

BFP (Big Fat Positive)

Sitting at home alone, I am thinking about my dear angel Sarah and about wanting to give her a baby brother or sister so badly. I stand up and feel what I know from my first pregnancy is a ligament stretching cramp. I go to the bathroom to get my pregnancy test kit and read over the directions for the hundredth time. I am planning on testing in the morning, so I want to be ready. As I read the directions, I realize I am at 13 dpo (days past ovulation) and the box says it is only 4% more accurate if I want until the next morning. I know I am not using FMU (first morning urine) and that might make the test more off but I have five tests so I test.

I sit on the toilet, just lost in thought. I see the working hour glass blinking and let my mind wonder to my Sarah as it does most of the time. I look down at the test sitting on the edge of the shower and start to cry. It says, "PREGNANT," all in caps and it did not take long to show up. I start crying and immediately thank God. I do not move for a long time. I just sit on the toilet crying. I finally get up and go to Sarah's room. I pick up the book I wrote for her and read it to my new little one growing in my tummy. I cry most of the rest of the afternoon and keep looking at the test waiting for the word "NOT" to pop up in front of the "PREGNANT." It never did show up. I am a ball of emotions. I am both excited and scared. I want this little one to be healthy and happy and to be able to bring him/her home with me in 9 months.