Sunday, September 28, 2008

"Why are we not happier?"

Sitting in a noisy restaurant, hubby and I decide to call the family to let them know it’s a girl. I of course call my mom first. I tell her about what we saw and that “She” waved at us. I could hear the excitement in my mom’s voice asking was it a girl. I said yes. Then in a quieter voice my mom asked, “Why are you not happy?” That is the question of the day. I lied and told her that it just had not sunken in yet.

After I hung up, I looked at hubby and asked him, “Why are we not happier?” He shrugged and that started us talking about why we were sitting there just after having such a wonderful u/s and both were about in tears. In fact I had to fight to keep the tears in my eyes and not on my face. After talking for a while we came up with a list of reasons we were not happier.
1. Our Bitt is a girl. That scares us since it feels like our angel girl just left us. We wanted a boy or a girl as long as it is healthy but to know it’s a girl again is scary.
2. TESTING! At every appointment that both hubby and I were at, the docs asked what kind of testing we wanted. Every time we said NO testing at all but the u/s. Why do they keep bring up testing? Do they see something they are not telling us and think we need the testing? Is the testing just because we are not sure why Sarah went to heaven? I only have 5 days left in order to do any of the testing.
3. Measuring small. Bitt is measuring a little on the small side. She is about 4 days smaller than she should be.
4. Happy? How can you be happy when you heart still has a hole in it? How can we look towards the future when we are just praying for one more day with our Bitt?
5. Broken hearts. We are too scared to get excited knowing how it could turn out. If we get too excited we are just setting ourselves up for an even larger heartbreak if something goes wrong.

Within an hour of our appointment, I was crying in Dollar General. I called the docs back and talked to my doc which helped a lot. I called back still crying and made an appointment with Allison, the consular I saw last year just after Sarah was born. The nurse on the phone would not let me hang up until I stopped crying. She was so worried about me.

She is not the only one. I am worried. I want nothing more than to lay back relax and enjoy every moment I have with my Bitt. I know my stress is not good for her. "Why am I not happier?"

God, please help us through this time. I try everyday to give over my fears and worries to you. I know you will do what is best for our little Bitt. Give me the strength to enjoy this pregnancy and this new miracle growing in my tummy.

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Week 35

Week 35
Me and my Joanna