"Why are we not happier?"

Sitting in a noisy restaurant, hubby and I decide to call the family to let them know it’s a girl. I of course call my mom first. I tell her about what we saw and that “She” waved at us. I could hear the excitement in my mom’s voice asking was it a girl. I said yes. Then in a quieter voice my mom asked, “Why are you not happy?” That is the question of the day. I lied and told her that it just had not sunken in yet.

After I hung up, I looked at hubby and asked him, “Why are we not happier?” He shrugged and that started us talking about why we were sitting there just after having such a wonderful u/s and both were about in tears. In fact I had to fight to keep the tears in my eyes and not on my face. After talking for a while we came up with a list of reasons we were not happier.
1. Our Bitt is a girl. That scares us since it feels like our angel girl just left us. We wanted a boy or a girl as long as it is healthy but to know it’s a girl again is scary.
2. TESTING! At every appointment that both hubby and I were at, the docs asked what kind of testing we wanted. Every time we said NO testing at all but the u/s. Why do they keep bring up testing? Do they see something they are not telling us and think we need the testing? Is the testing just because we are not sure why Sarah went to heaven? I only have 5 days left in order to do any of the testing.
3. Measuring small. Bitt is measuring a little on the small side. She is about 4 days smaller than she should be.
4. Happy? How can you be happy when you heart still has a hole in it? How can we look towards the future when we are just praying for one more day with our Bitt?
5. Broken hearts. We are too scared to get excited knowing how it could turn out. If we get too excited we are just setting ourselves up for an even larger heartbreak if something goes wrong.

Within an hour of our appointment, I was crying in Dollar General. I called the docs back and talked to my doc which helped a lot. I called back still crying and made an appointment with Allison, the consular I saw last year just after Sarah was born. The nurse on the phone would not let me hang up until I stopped crying. She was so worried about me.

She is not the only one. I am worried. I want nothing more than to lay back relax and enjoy every moment I have with my Bitt. I know my stress is not good for her. "Why am I not happier?"

God, please help us through this time. I try everyday to give over my fears and worries to you. I know you will do what is best for our little Bitt. Give me the strength to enjoy this pregnancy and this new miracle growing in my tummy.

A Boy or a Girl?

I thought this week would last forever but somehow it was not as long as I thought it would be. Friday finally came after a pretty good week. I woke up Wed morning and laid my hand on my tummy to feel my baby move for the first time. Little Bitt must have rolled her foot or arm under my hand because I felt a “roll” and knew it was not gas. Then Thur morning I gained two of my lost 6 pounds back. I was jumping for joy both mornings. I even did a little dance while I was getting ready for work.

Okay the important info: I laid back and exposed my tummy to the tech. She asked if we want to know the sex. I said we do but not until we know everything else looks good. I want to be able to be excited about what we are having. She agreed and started the u/s.

She did all the normal measurements and our little one is measuring about 4 days small. There were NO cysts in the brain. We got to see a stomach that was full of amniotic fluid and after a while we saw a full bladder. The digestive system is working! As the tech focused on the feet, Bitt started to tap danced for us. The tech wanted to get a better profile shot and worked on getting it just right. Bitt laid there with its arms propped behind its head like it was just chillin’ out. Bitt also kept trying to find her mouth with her fingers but never did while we were watching. As we watched, Bitt opened its mouth and swallowed more amniotic fluid. We got to see the little tongue moving inside the mouth. It was so wonderful to just lay there and watch my little Bitt.

Sarah’s little hands were so tightly clinched when she was born that it was almost impossible to open one of her hands. This and her webbed fingers where a sign of her sickness, which we still are not sure what it was. I asked the tech to please find a good shot of the hands. She got the shot just moments after I asked. Our little Bitt knew what we wanted and opened her hand showing all the fingers and waved at us. I started crying and was sooooo relieved. So now the tech felt it was okay to show us now that it looks like we are going to have a little GIRL!

Freaking Out

Nightmares have replaced my pleasant night’s sleep. I had them so bad right after Sarah was born but they had gone away until now. My loving hubby wakes me from my tears, from the grip of pain, from deepest fears to hold and rock me back to sleep. The emotional wreck my life has turned into is affecting all aspects.

I got up Tues morning and prayed harder than I have in a long time. I asked God to please take my fears and worries. I was turning them over to Him. I know there is nothing I can do to make this pregnancy go any better than it is. I know my worries and fears will not make my little Bitt any more healthy or alive at the u/s next week. I know only God can control what will happen next. I need God to carry me at this time and I have to trust in him. He will do what is best for my little Bitt.

Well this was what I needed until Friday. Once more I woke from the dream of a u/s with a baby that was not moving, and realized that I had no way of knowing if my little Bitt was okay. By that afternoon I was in a full blown panic. I called the doc’s crying so hard that the lady on the phone had to wait for me to calm down to even pull up my chart. A nurse called me back almost the moment I hung up the phone. Both the lady on the phone and the nurse did ask me when I felt the baby move last. That is the worst question in the world. I have not felt Bitt move yet. I only felt Sarah move once in 25 weeks and they asked me all the time with her too. I do not understand why I cannot feel my babies move. I just want to know they are okay.

Then nurse told me to come in right away and she would make sure I got seen as soon as they could. Within minutes of getting to the docs office that is 40 minutes away, the nurse called me back. Behind my tears I did smile at her so thankful she did not make me wait. We went straight to a room and she used the Doppler finding the heartbeat after just a few movements of her hands. I then cried tears of relief. That heaviness was lifting. It did not go away but it lifted, some. She stayed with me a few more minutes to make sure I was okay and then lead me out.

I love my docs. They did not make me feel bad for having to come in. They did what they could for me so I could relax for a little while longer. Thank you.

EDD of my Fairy Princess

Slowly, my mind starts to leave me. My emotions are running my actions. Relax? What is that? For the first time in a few months I find myself sliding down into that deep dark pit. I crawl at the sides not to side in. I have fallen in here so many times but this time I am aware I am falling and I want to stay up top in the light. Why am I sliding now? A broken heart that leaks from time to time is the only answer I can come up with.

Sarah’s EDD was last year on Sept 16. I did really well on her one year angel day but I am doing terrible the closer and closer her due date gets. I have no idea why I am taking this so much harder than I did her Angel day. I am prego now and was not then. I should be happy now. I should be excited. The tears are back and will not stop. They fight their way to the surface no matter what I am doing. Tues morning I could not stop crying. I thought I would have to miss work that day. The day before, I yelled at a coworker because of her not so nice comments about my life not being as stressful as hers. My emotions and stress are overwhelming. I try to relax for my little Bitt, but the tears take over. I miss my Sarah so much. I seldom think about the what if’s, but I have now that I realized I should have had a one year old not an angel. My heart is breaking again for my fairy princess. Sarah I miss you.

A DIME!

Sunday, hubby and I sat in our normal pew at church. Hubby gets my attention and motions to the window. I look the window up and down but do not see what he wants me to see. During the singing of one of the songs he whispers, “Look ON the window sill.” My eyes look from the far end to the end nearest us. I tear up immediately. There on the window sill at church at the end of our pew sits a DIME! I am shaking and smiling as I try to hold back my tears. Hubby puts an arm around me and we share a moment that no one else has a clue is going on. After the service I picked up the dime, prayed for my daughter, kissed the dime, and place it with all the other gifts (dimes) my daughter has sent me since she left.

My baby was in my arms
for too short of a time,
but now she is an angel.
She visits from heaven
with hugs and kisses
for her lonely parents.
Behind she leaves a sign,
an unexpected dime,
a smile for a tear stained face.
This found dime is not worth much
expect for a grieving parent,
it’s worth the world.

Written by Teri (me) for my Sarah.

Appointments

I called my mom and asked her if she could go with me to the docs next week. I swear I could hear her jumping up and down on the other end of the phone. She has been wanting, to go with me to an appointment ever since she found out I was prego again. She went with me to my second full ultrasound of Sarah and loved every moment of it. Next week we should get to hear the heartbeat again and I am so excited to watch my mom’s face as she hears that little beat.

My docs are still being great about seeing me every two weeks since I get nervous if the wait between appointments is too long. We tried 4 weeks once but I about flipped out and had to call for what we called a “comfort” appointment. Since I am going so often I am going to invite other members of my family that I know will love to go, to come with me so hubby does not feel like he as to take off every two weeks to go with me. He and I will be the only ones there at big important appointments like hearing the heartbeat for the first time, finding out Bitt’s gender.