Friday, September 19, 2008

Freaking Out

Nightmares have replaced my pleasant night’s sleep. I had them so bad right after Sarah was born but they had gone away until now. My loving hubby wakes me from my tears, from the grip of pain, from deepest fears to hold and rock me back to sleep. The emotional wreck my life has turned into is affecting all aspects.

I got up Tues morning and prayed harder than I have in a long time. I asked God to please take my fears and worries. I was turning them over to Him. I know there is nothing I can do to make this pregnancy go any better than it is. I know my worries and fears will not make my little Bitt any more healthy or alive at the u/s next week. I know only God can control what will happen next. I need God to carry me at this time and I have to trust in him. He will do what is best for my little Bitt.

Well this was what I needed until Friday. Once more I woke from the dream of a u/s with a baby that was not moving, and realized that I had no way of knowing if my little Bitt was okay. By that afternoon I was in a full blown panic. I called the doc’s crying so hard that the lady on the phone had to wait for me to calm down to even pull up my chart. A nurse called me back almost the moment I hung up the phone. Both the lady on the phone and the nurse did ask me when I felt the baby move last. That is the worst question in the world. I have not felt Bitt move yet. I only felt Sarah move once in 25 weeks and they asked me all the time with her too. I do not understand why I cannot feel my babies move. I just want to know they are okay.

Then nurse told me to come in right away and she would make sure I got seen as soon as they could. Within minutes of getting to the docs office that is 40 minutes away, the nurse called me back. Behind my tears I did smile at her so thankful she did not make me wait. We went straight to a room and she used the Doppler finding the heartbeat after just a few movements of her hands. I then cried tears of relief. That heaviness was lifting. It did not go away but it lifted, some. She stayed with me a few more minutes to make sure I was okay and then lead me out.

I love my docs. They did not make me feel bad for having to come in. They did what they could for me so I could relax for a little while longer. Thank you.

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Week 35

Week 35
Me and my Joanna