Saturday, November 29, 2008

A Touching Thought

My mom just sent me this with the title "This made me think of you sweetheart". I spent the next half an hour crying and praying to God. I am so thankful for my angel, for my family, and the love and support I get from those closest to me (mostly from God.) I just had to share.

“Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about the ones who don't.Believe everything happens for a reason.If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands. If it changes your life, let it.Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.” Unknown

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Great U/S!!!!!!!!

Almost 26 weeks and it’s time to see our Bitt again. I have been a nervous wreck for the past few days. We had been so excited last time at 25 weeks to see our angel again and things went so terrible wrong. I have prayed, wished and hoped today would be different.

The first thing all prego women do is pee in a cup at every appointment. Today my appointed started with the nurse saying my urine was perfect! You have no idea how a little thing like that can excited you. I then quickly drank the orange stuff that tasted like Sunkist to me. For the first time my docs office was running ahead of schedule so I call hubby to let him know he needs to get there soon.

They call me back before hubby gets there for the u/s. I ask the tech a lot of questions trying to make sure hubby will get there for most of the u/s. The tech was very nice. She asked why we were having the u/s that day so I told her about Sarah (I really enjoy being able to do that.) She told me we would take a close look at this little one but she just knew everything was going to be okay. Hubby did get there for most of the u/s.

We got to see our Bitt rolling her eyes. I mean you really could see her eyes moving around and around in her head. It was so amazing! We saw her (and I felt her) kick. She kept talking to us and moving her mouth like she had so much to say. We confirmed that she is a GIRL! All of the checking points turned out very good. She is in the 41% of growth and since she was a little behind last time I was so excited. Bitt pushed up on my tummy seeming to try to make more room for herself. She laid her hand on her forehead like we were stressing her out. Her brain was clear, her heart was beating well, and she moved her hands around. I could not have asked for a more wonderful u/s. I would say that the u/s lasted about 20 minutes. Pics will be posted soon.

My day turned around quickly. We not only saw our little Bitt but we saw her do so many wonderful thing. We know she is growing and doing well. When I was leaving the docs office I got to see light snow flurries! I can say that was such a wonderful day. I am so glad today was so different than the last u/s near 25 weeks.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

A day I have feared!

25 weeks! What a special time. Last June I was sitting in my classroom waiting to leave for me next appointment. My hubby and I were so excited we were going to see your fairy princess, Sarah, again today. We hoped and prayed not to see her cycst in her brain any more. We never thought we should be praying to see a heartbeat. My Sarah was born straight to heaven 25 weeks and one day into my pregnancy.

Today! How do you face the day you lost our baby? I was so surprised this morning to wake up with a smile on my lips and a song in my heart. For most of the day I had a good day. I thought about my Sarah, feared for my Bitt but rejoiced knowing I am feeling Bitt move (such a comfort since I only felt Sarah move once.) A long day of teaching winds down and I am exhausted. I had a good day at work and got a lot done in my planning period. I skipped the grocery store because all I wanted to do was get home, lay on the couch and wait for Bitt to move.

I lay on the couch for 2 hours and only feel light touches that might be Bitt or just my nervous tummy. Hubby calls to check on me and knows I am worried just by the tone of my voice. Bitt moves a little more but still not as strong as normal. Before hubby gets home I feel her move a lot. My worry is that it’s not as strong as normal.

I guess my fear of losing Bitt is not going to go away today. I am scared. I am worried. I fear every moment with Bitt will be my last. I face the end of the day with a heavy heart, a clouded mind and a worried soul. I end my day on my knees begging God to give me more time with this little one. I turn my tear covered face to heaven and smile at my angel looking down on me. I thank Sarah for all she gave me and I pray to God that he keeps my Bitt safe and healthy. I lay a hand on my tummy waiting for Bitt to move one more time…

Sunday, November 9, 2008

A letter to Bitt

I felt I just needed to write to you tonight. I have been so stressed and not in a good place for weeks now and I am sorry. I know this stress and worry is not good for either of us. I wish I could let it go, for you. I think about you all the time. I think about your big sis who is always and forever your guardian angel. I dream of your future then I freak out because your coming home with me seems so real and the realization that that might not happen hits me. I try to be a good mommy to you but I know I am failing. Recently, I sit as still as I can and just wait for you to move. When you are asleep, and I do not feel you move I start to panic. I know… I know I should not worry because you are a baby and sleep a lot. When I finally feel your little kick, I smile every time. That feeling is such a miracle, you are a miracle. I promise to love you always and forever. My bound with you will continue to grow, so lack I have now will be that much stronger tomorrow and the day after. Please forgive me my Bitt for not being a better mother right now. I will make it up to you.
Love always,

Week 35

Week 35
Me and my Joanna