Wednesday, November 12, 2008

A day I have feared!

25 weeks! What a special time. Last June I was sitting in my classroom waiting to leave for me next appointment. My hubby and I were so excited we were going to see your fairy princess, Sarah, again today. We hoped and prayed not to see her cycst in her brain any more. We never thought we should be praying to see a heartbeat. My Sarah was born straight to heaven 25 weeks and one day into my pregnancy.

Today! How do you face the day you lost our baby? I was so surprised this morning to wake up with a smile on my lips and a song in my heart. For most of the day I had a good day. I thought about my Sarah, feared for my Bitt but rejoiced knowing I am feeling Bitt move (such a comfort since I only felt Sarah move once.) A long day of teaching winds down and I am exhausted. I had a good day at work and got a lot done in my planning period. I skipped the grocery store because all I wanted to do was get home, lay on the couch and wait for Bitt to move.

I lay on the couch for 2 hours and only feel light touches that might be Bitt or just my nervous tummy. Hubby calls to check on me and knows I am worried just by the tone of my voice. Bitt moves a little more but still not as strong as normal. Before hubby gets home I feel her move a lot. My worry is that it’s not as strong as normal.

I guess my fear of losing Bitt is not going to go away today. I am scared. I am worried. I fear every moment with Bitt will be my last. I face the end of the day with a heavy heart, a clouded mind and a worried soul. I end my day on my knees begging God to give me more time with this little one. I turn my tear covered face to heaven and smile at my angel looking down on me. I thank Sarah for all she gave me and I pray to God that he keeps my Bitt safe and healthy. I lay a hand on my tummy waiting for Bitt to move one more time…


Jennifer said...

I just found your blog. I am so happy for you! I don't understand (yet) the fear that must accompany your pregnancy but I will be praying for you to have peace and a very happy and healthy little girl.

I will be watching your family grow...


Mother of Timothy (T18)

Malakin said...

Thank you Jennifer. It is such an exciting and scary time. Your angel Timothy is watching over you.

Week 35

Week 35
Me and my Joanna