Monday, July 28, 2008

Missing Sarah

Walking back into the house with the mail, I flip through it so I can throw away the junk mail. I see a catalog with 1st birthday written on the front. I almost fall down right there in the yard. It is very hot outside and I am sweating but I am still finding it hard to make one foot move in front of the other. I feel the warm tears filling my eyes to the point where I cannot see any more. I finally find the strength to open the front door and go inside.

I sit on the couch looking through this catalog that I know was sent to me because my Sarah’s estimated due date (EDD) was Sept 16 of last year and she should have been one in just over a month. I find a set of birthday items for a fairy princess which I always called Sarah and now the tears start to stream down my face. I know looking in that catalog would make me sad but I did it anyway. How could I bring that kind of pain on myself? Why do I do things that I know is going to hurt and bring tears to my eyes? I get so upset with myself when I do this but I cannot help myself, I have to look.

I slowly get up and go to Sarah’s room and sit in her rocking chair holding a teddy bear and cry. I pick up the book I made for Sarah just months after she was born straight to heaven. I read it out loud to Sarah and my new little one just as I did on the day I found out about my new little one. I cry and cry. I miss my daughter more than words can express. I love my daughter. I am blessed to have had her but our time was just too short. I still have such a big hole in my heart that nothing will ever be able to fill. My arms still ache with emptiness. My fairy princess changed my life forever and I am thankful she was part of my life but the pain of her leaving is still so new sometimes. I cannot believe it’s been over a year since we said goodbye. It feels like I was holding her just yesterday and having to say goodbye. That was the worst and one of the best days of my life.

Sarah, I love and miss you.

1 comment:

Mrs. Mother said...

I lost my little girl, Jenna Grace, to Trisomy 18 on Aug. 12. I was almost 21 weeks. I know what you mean about doing things that make you cry. I watched an episode of an old show that I loved last night and bawled all the way through.

I, too, am keeping a blog. I find that it is helping me.

Week 35

Week 35
Me and my Joanna