I wake up shaking in the morning. The first thing I think about is my Sarah and how much I miss her. Then I go to the bathroom and wipe and suddenly my thoughts change to fear. I check my TP as I always do now and smile when there is nothing there. Sarah jumps back into my thoughts and now I am in the whirlwind of thoughts. What if we are going to have twins? I was on clomid after all. If I am having twins there is so much more that could go wrong. What if there is a sack but no baby? What if there are three babies? What if… What if filled my entire shower that morning. I finally had to force myself out of the warm water and get ready. I leave on time which is surprising for me. I am scared to eat my breakfast because I do not know if I need to fast before any of the test they will do that morning.
As I drive, I turn off Sarah’s CD so I can talk quietly with God. I talk with him for a while and TRY to give my fears over to him. I do feel more comforted by knowing he is there but I am still so worried about the appointment. Here come the questions from my shower… About half way to the docs, I realize I left my wallet at home. Now all I can think about is that it’s too late to turn around and go home but I need my insurance stuff and money to pay for today’s visit. So for me, I am lucky I left my wallet at home because I am now thinking about that and not what will or will not happen at my appointment.
The first half of my appointment is much like last time which is not really good. As we talk to one nurse after the next, my thoughts keep going to my sweet fairy princess, Sarah. Last time I answer these questions it was about my daughter. I was scared that first time with Sarah too but today I am scared, worried, shaking and remembering. I am forever changed and this just reminds me that the innocents of pregnancy is gone for me forever. The question, “Have either of you had a child with a disability?” is asked. Hubby says no but I stutter, “Umm well…” I look at hubby and finish, “Sarah did have webbed fingers… ummm” I look back at the nurse and she just nods to me, seeming to know what I am feeling and not wanting to make me say more. I have no idea what she writes down if anything I was so wrapped up in my thoughts. I have gotten too used to answering the question, “Do you have any children?” with “I have a daughter that was born straight to heaven.” I can now say that with a smile because I am thankful for my daughter and I am proud to be her mother but to have to say she was disabled?!?!?! I have never thought of her that way.
After just a moments wait, they call us back for the ultrasound. I undress from waist down in case they have to do an internal exam and then I lay on the table. Hubby holds my hand and we sit there in silence, I am sure we were both praying at that moment. The nurse comes in and did the u/s on my tummy and we see a large sack. I am holding my breath and squeezing my hubby’s hand. She turns the u/s and we can see a heartbeat! That was the most wonderful site. At first I lay there not moving and then suddenly I start to cry. My tummy moves and can no long see our baby on the screen. Hubby “scolds” me and tells me I have to be still. I then laugh and feel that huge weight lift my shoulders. We sit there looking at our baby a little long and then the doc comes in.
After my exam, she takes us to her office where we can talk. Hubby and I both ask all the questions we have even though I know my doc is booked solid that day. My doc keeps saying, “Congratulations” and smiling at us. This is the same doc that delivered Sarah and cried with me as I went through labor. It is really nice to be able to share such a good thing with her after sharing such a sad day with her just over a year ago. She notices me getting nervous and says things like, “We are going to watch you close this time but there is no reason since you are going to have a healthy baby this time.” Just her being there is a comfort. She tells me that she will see me very often this time. I understand her as to say that I will come in at the soonest 2 weeks and the latest 4 weeks. I get an u/s in two weeks since we can still only see a heartbeat at that time. After 24 weeks I get month baby growth measurements and after 30 weeks I will come in weekly.
For me being called high risk is just what I need. I get the extra attention I am going to want. I know it will most likely not change the outcome no matter how many times I go to the doc. But my stress and worry will be less at least right after each appointment and I do not have to wait a long time to have that next appointment. I hope the high of this appointment last a while. I am smiling and ready to tell the world. As I leave the docs I whisper, “Sarah you have a baby brother or sister.”
Here and Now
2 years ago